Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network Patreon, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.
Can you believe it? The college football season is upon us. All of my futures bets are stashed in the bank for the end of the season. I’m feeling good about Week 1, but we’ll monitor my mental health throughout the season as those of you who have been longtime readers of Tank the 401k already know. We’re all 0-0 at this point! Let’s kick this thing off.
Stoney’s Picks
Utah -4.5 vs. Florida (-105) – I know Cam Rising is doubtful. I know that Utah might be down to their third string quarterback. And, I know that Florida has a wealth of talent. But, from a structural standpoint, I just don’t see these two teams on the same plane right now. If Billy Napier’s vision at Florida had been realized, yeah, I’m taking the Gators! But, they’re not there yet. Utah has a great defense. They’re going to run the ball, and they have one of the best home crowd environments out west. I like the Utes to get a little revenge on Florida for a game they really should’ve won last season. The difference between 2022 and 2023? The Gators don’t have Anthony Richardson to score ridiculous touchdowns and ridiculous two-point conversions.
Penn State -20.5 vs. West Virginia (-105) – The 20.5 number is key for me, so if you can’t get it at that or below, I’d be a little more hesitant. But, this Penn State team has the potential to be James Franklin’s most special yet. There’s a wealth of talent there, and I think they overwhelm a West Virginia program that will be trying to get back to basics and build a good foundation for Neal Brown, who is coaching for his job this season. This won’t be the start of the turnaround for the Mountaineers.
Illinois -9.5 vs. Toledo (-110) – The Fighting Illini lost a lot of talent to the NFL after a surprising 2022 campaign, and I know Toledo is supposed to be the golden child of the MAC, but Bielemaball is still alive and well, baby! There are a couple of NFL talents along that defensive line, and I have trouble believing that Toledo is going to be able to move the ball all that well. This is another bet where that number is key – I’m not going to be surprised if Illinois wins this one 10-0 and covers.
South Carolina +2.5 vs. North Carolina (-105) – I like the Gamecocks to win this one outright, and let’s face it…with that +2.5 number, if you’re betting that, you probably do too. I’m not buying the “SEC East contenders” hype quite yet, but I do think they’ll beat a North Carolina team that plays atrocious defense and has an offense in transition. Yes, I get it – Drake Maye could be the top overall pick next spring. If the Tar Heels take this one, it could happen because he’s capable of putting the team on his back. I have no issue with that, but for my money, I’m betting on it taking a game or two for this new offense to sort itself out.
LSU @ Florida State, OVER 55.5 points (-110) – These two offenses are more polished than they were when they met a year ago. They’re more comfortable. And, dare I say, they quite simply may be more talented overall. Now, the catch here, and what makes it a risky bet, is that both of these teams have NFL talent on defenses. But, I’m betting on these talented quarterbacks getting this to a 31-28 type of game on Sunday night.
Parlay all five at +2612!
McCash’s Picks
It’s week 1, so there are still countless questions to be answered going into the college football season that the off-season was unable to answer. With the unknown out there for many teams, there is no rhyme nor reason to the selections I made for this week. In the past when I had rhyme I had no reason and when I had reason there was no rhyme. Take these picks with a grain of salt…
- Kent State +35.5
- TCU -20.5
- Michigan -36.5
- UTSA -2
- Tulane -6.5
SEASON STATS
- McCash last week: (0-0)
- McCash’s 2022 W-L: (30-38) – 44.1%
- Stoney last week: (0-0)
- Stoney’s 2022 W-L: (36-32-1) – 52.9%
- Stoney’s money spent 2023: $26
- Stoney’s money earned 2023: $0
- SoBros last week: (0-0) – 0%
- SoBros 2022 W-L: (66-70-1) – 48.5%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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