(Patreon) Tank the 401k: Weekly Gambling Picks, 9/14/23

Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network Patreon, Tank the 401k.

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network Patreon, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stoney’s Picks

Hell yeah, never a doubt for your boy holding an Oregon -6.5 ticket last week! Who cares that Oregon was up 31-30 and needed a pick six in the last minute of the game to cover? We don’t think like that here on Tank the 401k. We just win, baby. I’m off to a winning start this season at 60%, and now that I’ve bragged about that and Oregon covering when they shouldn’t have, I’m sure to go 0-5 this week. Oh well – that’s part of the grind here. Let’s get to the bets. Also, another warning, this time for the NFL….don’t overreact to Week 1.

  • LSU -9.5 at Mississippi State @ -110 – Guys, I hate to break it to you, but Mississippi State is not that good. I don’t know why taking the +9.5 is so popular. Maybe people still have that Florida State beatdown on their brains, but LSU is going to be out for blood until they get that second loss. Brian Kelly teams beat the opponents their supposed to, and this is absolutely an opponent they should beat soundly. The Bulldogs had trouble with Arizona. Their offense is clunky. It has virtual no threat of a downfield passing game. It’s one dimensional. I think the Tigers are going to overwhelm the Bulldogs on Saturday.
  • Florida International +7.5 at UConn @ -124 – If this gets past the key number of seven, BAIL! It opened at +10.5, and people just keep betting it down. Why? Probably because they figured out that FIU is going to be a cover machine this season. I don’t know why I said that…they’re just 2-1 ATS, but I like the Golden Panthers to hang around in this matchup. They’ve been good to me twice this season, so I’m finally going to actually put them in the column. 
  • Texans +1 vs. Colts @ -110 – The Texans have some good defensive personnel. It just took someone operating a scheme more recent than 2005 to unlock it a bit. I think the Ravens are going to be really good this season, and the Texans fought admirably for a bit on Sunday. This is a team that is going to get better as the season goes on, while I anticipate the Colts to bottom out a little bit more. I’m not sure what the faith is in Indy, and I know bettors are leaning heavy towards the Texans here, but from a stylistic standpoint, I’m trusting my gut and saying the Texans win this one outright. Richardson may break contain every once in awhile, but the Colts don’t have a Zay Flowers to give the Texans fits.
  • Packers -1.5 at Falcons @ -105 – The Packers get their big offensive linemen running in space, and I don’t think the Falcons are prepared to defend it all that well. I wouldn’t be surprised if this one ends up being a shootout, but I like what’s brewing in Green Bay with Jordan Love. The Falcons struggled to pull away from the Panthers until late in that game, and while they do have a wealth of offensive talent, they don’t necessarily play to that strength. The Packers will be able to match styles with them, but I give the Packers the distinct edge at quarterback.
  • Saints -3 at Panthers @ -120 – Yep. Betting against the Panthers again this week. I don’t care. I think the general public is sleeping on how good the Saints are going to be with a quarterback that makes for at least somewhat of a threat to push the ball down the field, and a wide receiver in Chris Olave who can make defenses pay. The Panthers won’t be able to handle that connection on Monday night.

Parlay all five at +2256

McCash’s Picks

Nice bounce back last week as I went 3-2. Winning is winning so let’s keep the new found momentum going. Here are my picks for this weeks Tank the 401k…

  • Memphis -13.5 – The Tigers defense has not allowed a touchdown yet and has been really stingy. Navy doesn’t have the offensive power to stop compete with Memphis
  • Florida State -26.5 – Seminoles are on a roll and I riding them until they prove me wrong.
  • Washington -16.5 – There’s so much drama with the Spartans coaching staff and it will affect their play this weekend against the Huskies.
  • San Francisco-8.5 – The 49ers look like the most dominant team in the NFL right now
  • New Orleans -3 – The Saints defensive front will pressure the Panthers rookie qb all day long.

SEASON STATS

  • McCash last week: (3-2)
  • McCash’s 2023 W-L: (4-6) – 40%
  • Stoney last week: (3-2)
  • Stoney’s 2023 W-L: (6-4) – 60%
  • Stoney’s money spent 2023: $10.00
  • Stoney’s money earned 2023: $11.57
  • Stoney’s profit/loss: +$1.57
  • SoBros last week: (6-4) – 60%
  • SoBros 2023 W-L: (10-10) – 50%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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