We are down to the very last football game of the season. It’s crazy. I used to do a full-on betting guide for the Super Bowl, but who has the energy anymore? I’m just happy to get a few zany bets in before I forget and the game kicks off. There’s an art form to crafting the stupidest parlay you’ve ever seen. I do it all season long. While I do bankroll betting on point spreads, it’s the ATD parlays where you can really rack up long odds on stuff that only takes 2-3 legs to hit to cash. That’s what I’ve done here today, and I’m sharing it with you all. I threw down six dumb lottery ticket bets for Super Bowl 58. Let’s get some wild parlays in. Oh, also, I should probably put my note from our betting column Tank the 401k here to keep the lawyers happy: “Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.“
My Dumb Super Bowl 58 Parlays
Anytime touchdown scorer parlay: Deebo Samuel, Patrick Mahomes, Marquez Valdes-Scantling – Believe it or not, I did actually put some thought into this one. Mahomes seems to scramble more in the playoffs. He’s due for a rushing touchdown. I think Samuel’s versatility will make him a huge part of this game plan for the 49ers. And, with the 49ers defense focusing on Travis Kelce, I think MVS could stand to be the beneficiary. Wagered: $1, payout: $88.99
Anytime touchdown scorer parlay: Christian McCaffrey, Travis Kelce, Kyle Juszczyk, Skyy Moore – I’m constructing this in a careful way. Give me the two “safe” legs to build a good foundation on in McCaffrey and Kelce. Juszczyk always shows up in random moments – he’s due for one. And, I’m picking Moore to be that one guy that just shows up out of nowhere and scores a touchdown that everyone forgets about. Wagered: $1, payout: $313.63
To score 2+ touchdowns: Deebo Samuel, Patrick Mahomes – Samuel could be the x-factor in this game, and if the 49ers do focus their attention on Kelce, Mahomes could sneak a couple tuddies in there. Wagered: $1, payout: $444.13
To score 3+ touchdowns: Deebo Samuel, Travis Kelce – I’m afraid I’ve hitched my wagon to Deebo Samuel too fervently, but what can I say? I’ve established that I think he’s going to have a good game. With Kelce, I’m just going with the chemistry factor with Mahomes. Wagered: $1, payout: $515.73
Anytime touchdown scorer parlay: Brayden Willis, Blake Bell – My philosophy? Always take the guy with the longest odds to score a touchdown on each team and pair ’em together. The odds are incredible, and all you need to hit is two legs! Wagered: $1, payout: $560.97
To score 2+ touchdowns: Richie James – I can’t believe FanDuel offered odds on Richie James scoring two touchdowns. I thought I only had $5 in my account, but I actually had $6, so I just threw a dollar down on this happening. Go Blue Raiders. Wagered: $1, payout: $141
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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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