Man, I don’t know why, but I have had the urge to get out in the field and do some real investigative journalism lately. Maybe it’s how knee deep I’ve gotten into the weeds on the NFL Draft. Maybe it’s my time freeing up a month after football season has concluded. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been hearing the call that all good journalists hear in their sleep – “find the stories that Americans really care about.”
It’s been years since my hard hitting stories about what the back of a Lowe’s looks like, how hard it was raining in Hermitage that one time, and why they put bushes on the roof of Carraba’s. I thought for sure by now that I’d have my Pulitzer and at least one Grammy or Oscar, but life doesn’t always pan out the way we think. Nonetheless, I can’t let those feelings of defeat keep me from getting out there and digging up the truth for people. In my effort to come across a compelling story, a narrative spoke to me when I was at the dump a few weeks ago doing my recycling because I care about the future of our planet. I tossed my beer cans in the dumpster and thought to myself, “I wonder what Gladeville is drinking out of cans these days.”
Figuring that if I’m thinking it, at least 10 other people are thinking it (based on the saying from elementary school), I decided to snap a photo to investigate this matter more deeply. I had to act quick. Everyone hates journalists taking photos.
So now, I can compile my results and present my findings as an official study.
Courtesy of researchers at SoBros Network:
In a recent study conducted by SoBros Network, investigators found Miller Lite to be the most popular canned beverage in Gladeville. A study of over 200 cans (maybe) in a dumpster at the Stewart’s Ferry dump yielded positive results in favor of Miller Lite. The parameters of this study include taking a photo of cans tossed in the recycling bin at the dump and then eyeballing that photo to get a good feel for my how many cans are in the dumpster.
Miller Lite takes the crown based on the number of cans present, but also there’s a really old Miller Lite can in there too, which tells me that Gladeville has been drinking Miller Lite for a really long time. You might say Sprite based on the sheer volume of cans in this photo, but they’re all in one spot so those likely came from one household. Researchers counted that as one vote for Sprite. Coors Light, Coke Zero, and Diet Mountain Dew also make the list as popular canned beverages of choice in Gladeville. And, it’s worth noting that someone threw a can of Fancy Feast into this dumpster as well, however, Fancy Feast was not included in the parameters of this study.
Researchers would mention tangerine La Croix, but those are the researcher’s cans and the researcher knows for a FACT that tangerine La Croix is far from the best and only got it because it was better than the researcher’s other options (lime and pampelmousse) at the store the researcher bought them from.
Researchers hope this finally answers the important question, “just what are people in Gladeville drinking out of cans?“
-SoBros Network, 2024
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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