I hate door to door solicitors. If you want to know my most toxic trait, it’s that I will sit and talk to a door to door solicitor for up to 20 minutes (that’s my record so far) before I balk at their offer. Yes, I am that petty, and I typically have the freedom and wiggle room in my schedule to fuck with these guys. My reasoning is that if I can hold these people up, that’s three or four less neighbors they can bother. You might say, “Stoney, that’s cruel! These people are just trying to make a living!” And, I would say, “I do not care.”
If loving the look on their faces when I tell them ‘no‘ after a 15-minute sales pitch during which I ask engaging questions to make them think I’m going to buy their product or service makes me an evil person, then go on ahead and ship my ass to hell ’cause I’m evil. So far, I’ve only been found out once. Halfway through a pitch, a guy just stopped and said “you’re just messing with me, aren’t you?” I owned up to it, and he angrily huffed and puffed down the steps and away from my property. It is mean, I admit. But, there’s a black hole within me where the sympathy for door to door solicitors should’ve been, I guess.
But, this story from CBS News gave me a reason to share my most petty quality. It highlights a man in Shaler Township, Pennsylvania, who was home one day when he heard a strange noise. Upon investigating, he discovered a solicitor standing inside his home, immediately trying to sell him on home security. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I were in that situation. I don’t think I’d stand and talk to him for 20 minutes only to tell him ‘no’ though. I’d probably err on dialing 911 and telling him to get the fuck out of my home and seeing what happens after that.
I don’t know how things work in Pennsylvania, but if this had happened in Tennessee, this guy’s likely taking a couple of bullets for the road. You just can’t play like that….not here, where every other house is probably totin’ a firearm. You can walk outside on just about any given day down here in the sticks and here guns firing in the woods. We’re all stoked to fire guns at trees – what the fuck do you think is going to happen when we encounter a situation in which we can actually shoot someone and be justified for it? Come on! If solicitors are just walking into houses now, you might want to tell them to keep their head on a swivel if they try it here in Tennessee.
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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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