First of all, I have to start this piece with the important question: “whatever happened to the time-honored practice of piercing a single green olive with a toothpick and pinning it to the top of your sandwich?” I digress. I’m here today to discuss one of the wildest cookbooks I’ve ever picked up: Gooseberry Patch Super-Fast Slow Cooking. The paperback copy like I have is currently going for $6.29 on Thriftbooks. I’d advise caution buying used cookbooks though. I look at the cookbooks I use regularly and they’re covered with splatters of sauce, flour caked on the pages, and other food grime. I can’t imagine putting my copy on a shelf somewhere and slapping $5 on it. It has certainly seen better days.
I’m a big time Crockpot guy. We always stay so busy that it makes for the perfect way to have dinner prepped without taking up a bunch of time. I can just throw a bunch of shit in at noon, and by six, dinner is ready. So, I’m always looking for new Crockpot recipes. I actually bought this crazy ass book as a stocking stuffer for my wife the year we moved into our apartment together, so it’s been in our hands for 12 years at this point.
And, make no mistake about it…I absolutely love it. I’ve picked up a few recipes from it that – I fix Chuckwagon Stew every August because it’s a nice precursor to chili season and it gets me in that festive mood like fall is right around the corner. That thing is a pot full of beef, potatoes, onions, and barbecue baked beans. Yeah, buddy. Throughout the years, this thing has been one of the more consistent books I turn to when I need a quick dinner idea.
But, there is some real wild ass shit in this book! I felt compelled to scream it from the mountaintops! Some of it, I’ve tried. Some of it, I’m still working up the courage. All of it, though? An adventure.
Let’s take the “Slow-Cooked Beef Tips,” for example. Beef tips, cream of mushroom soup, onion soup mix, green peppers…no big deal. But, then we had to kick things up a notch with an entire fucking cup of Sprite. We’re putting Sprite in the beef tips! There’s a “Fall-Apart Roast Beef” recipe that calls for a beef chuck roast, garlic, and *checks notes* a cup and a half of fucking HOT BREWED COFFEE! What the fuck? We’re putting an entire can of cola in “Sally’s Supreme Corned Beef.” I mean, we’re just letting our freak flags fly in this thing. That’s not all the cola, though. There’s another “Cola Roast” that is just a 3-pound beef pot roast, pack of onion soup mix, and TWO cans of cola on low for 7-8 hours. Spareribs with ginger beer. Pork chops with lemon. Ribs with apple jelly. How did we get here?
Who is writing these recipes? Is this what people did back in the day when they were bored? Let’s just throw our random shit from the pantry in the Crockpot. I know I sound judgmental here, but for the record, I did try that beef tips with Sprite recipe and it was just not my cup of tea. I’m open-minded and will give anything a shot, but as I was making that dish, I did catch myself thinking “is this what my life has come to?” Anyway, I wanted to share how outrageous this book is with you guys this morning and I think we’ve accomplished that.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, third on Football & Other F Words, co-host of The Hot Read Podcast, analyst for Stacking The Inbox, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, the NFL Draft, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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