Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter, email ’em to me anonymously at thesobrosnetwork@gmail.com.
Question:
When was the last time you cried? Happy tears are acceptable here. pic.twitter.com/pR593Mn7wu
— Patrick Criswell (@PatCrizzy) March 4, 2021
Answer:
Alright, Patrick – I told you yesterday I was going to ruin someone’s afternoon, so let’s get to it…
A couple of weeks ago, I get a phone call from my mother, who was audibly upset, that our family dog, Carson, has puked and shidded all over the house uncontrollably. She let him outside so that she could clean it up, but when she went back out to get him, Carson wouldn’t get up. He found his favorite spot under his favorite tree, and just wouldn’t move. He’s a hefty fella, so my mom couldn’t pick him up to carry him back inside, and was obviously worried about what was going on.
So, I head over there, and see him just completely worn out. He acknowledges my existence with a wag of his tail, but it’s obvious that he’s literally not strong enough to get up of his own volition. We call the vet, and the vet tells us we need to get him to an emergency facility. So, I lift that thicc boi into my mom’s car, and we head off to Murfreesboro. They check on him to make sure he’s in stable condition, and then away he goes. We couldn’t go in with him because of covid protocols.
What ensued was a completely anxious and nerve-racking three hours of sitting in the car, wondering what was wrong. Carson is 12.5 years old at this point, and we’ve started noticing him slowing down big time in the last year. He’s also had a couple of other health scares that we’ve had to get him treated for.
Finally, the vet comes out, we talk about Carson’s situation, and we end up taking him home. All’s well that ends well, right? Turns out, it might’ve been the food he was eating at the time that basically wrecked his stomach, and dehydrated him severely. With an IV, some antibiotics, and plenty of rest, Carson was back on his paws the next day. But, it did give us quite the scare.
And, sitting in the car, running through all of the scenarios, thinking of the worst case scenario, I got pretty damn choked up. Literally, it felt like words were trying to come out of my mouth, but I couldn’t get them out. This has been our family dog since we brought him home in December of 2008. He’s lived a long and happy life – he’s the sweetest dog I think we’ve ever had out on that ranch, and we’ll be hard-pressed to ever have another one as good as him. You know one day you’re going to have to face reality – but I wasn’t prepared to face that on that evening, and as soon as the vet said, “if he doesn’t get better, we may have to talk about his quality of life,” it hit me like a ton of bricks. This has been several weeks now, and I’m happy to report that Carson is doing well – he’s still having trouble getting around, and he’s certainly not as perky as he once was, but he still has the happy spirit and personality he’s always had.
Now, I’ll give you a ‘good tears’ answer to hopefully bring the mood back up. When I got to the end of Super Bowl week, having been approved to cover it as credentialed media, I shed a tear or two thinking about how long and hard I’ve worked to get to that point. And, then, not that I did on some established platform with a massive audience, but with something that our team had built from dirt……man, that felt really special to me. I’m proud of that.
Question, from Tyler on Facebook:
Not a question but what a stud
Answer:
He’s referring to this picture of me from 2006 that I shared with the call for mailbag questions yesterday (because you typically get more engagement on social media when you post a photo so I do it even though the pictures rarely make sense):
Thanks to everyone who reached out to me about this photo. Yes, I am well aware that I used to be in good shape. This was about 70 pounds ago – and yes, I weigh about 280 pounds now. For some reason, this surprises people sometimes. I’ve been told I carry my weight well. I was right at 208 in this photo – working out like a lunatic, and practically consuming nothing but protein shakes and grilled chicken. I’m sure I can totally get back to this shape by staring at a computer for 14 hours a day, drinking gin, and eating nothing but pad thai and hot chicken.
Anyway, yeah – I used to run a backyard wrestling fed…except it was only actually held in the backyard once a year for our big WrestleMania show. The rest of the year, shows were held in my bedroom, where we wrestled on a stack of four mattresses as a ring. This is getting weird, so I’ll stop there. The SHWF (Stoney’s House Wrestling Federation) was an outright blast – it wasn’t like your typical backyard fed. We weren’t doing stupid hardcore shit and getting ourselves all bloody. We did more comedy stuff. At one point, I had an entire match with a skeleton dummy, and I believe someone was even shot in the face with a finger gun and literally crucified at one point. We had a wrestler named Chef Whisker Dick. Lots of farts on camera, too. I could go on and on. Think Attitude Era if you’re a WWE fan – a lot of really ridiculous promos, segments, and storylines….but when it came to actually wrestling…boy, did it suck. Those were the days.
I took some stupid bumps in my backyard wrestling career…but not the “holy shit that’s stupid awesome” kind…the “that doesn’t make any sense” kind. One time, I bumped on straight concrete taking a clothesline in the first minute of the match. That didn’t do me in, but when I took an RKO on a stack of mattresses, that was it. Lights out.
Question:
What was this man’s finisher in 2006?
— Lady May Queen (@brittbutspooky) March 4, 2021
Answer:
I did the FU, Brittany…..I did the FU….and the super kick. I really don’t want to talk about it, but I will if we have to. I think those were my only two “signature moves.” What you need to ask is what Brandon’s finishers were – the Hogan leg drop that we protected for nearly two years. And, yes, that is to say that no one in the SHWF kicked out of the HOGAN LEG DROP for nearly two years. He also did The Great Khali’s head chop, and on occasion, busted out a Tombstone piledriver that he termed “the Oral Plunge.”
THIS WEEK’S SECRET TOP FIVE
5. Irving Rosenfeld
4. Alfred Borden
3. Trevor Reznik
2. Ken Miles
1. Patrick Bateman
Last week’s Secret Top Five: My top five gin botanicals. Rooster was the first to correctly guess it (Shout out to friend of the brand Stephen for getting it first on Instagram).
Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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