I love Five Guys. I want to start this essay by proclaiming that as loudly as possible from the tallest mountaintop. When you start talking about the fast food burger chains, I’m going to put Five Guys right up there near the top. Gun to my head, I think they’re only second to Shake Shack, which is the G.O.A.T. of this shit, and even has a new hot honey chicken sandwich that slaps as well. But, for me, living here in Mount Juliet, Tennessee means that it’s not every day I can just mosey on down to the only Shake Shack around Nashville out in Green Hills. Thankfully, I do live within a couple of miles of the Five Guys in town. Its price point doesn’t exactly scream fast food but MAN, the quality is so damn good that I would put it up there with just about any sit-down restaurant’s burger.
When I want a burger loaded up with a million toppings, and so dense that I could bust out a car’s windshield with it if I needed to, I go to Five Guys. I’ve been dozens of times, and Five Guys remains undefeated – never had a bad meal from that place. I mean….I guess I never really stopped to consider my feelings on the burger chain. I never had a gripe with ’em….but then I saw this meme the other day while I was scrolling Twitter, and it absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I then realized my one criticism of the esteemed burger makers.
When you order a small fries at five guys pic.twitter.com/nY4lv2zxk3
— camii (@littlecamiixx) July 3, 2021
Okay, so I’m looking for two outcomes here – either y’all need to join me on my quest and we need to let Five Guys know to maybe just tone down the fries just a bit, or I’m going to need y’all to tell me if I’m just being a complete lunatic about this whole thing, and I need to shut my mouth before they take your fries away.
But, it’s a lot – I already struggle with my weight, and I’m stupid competitive. When I see those fries in the bag, I’m going to see it as a challenge and I’m going to subsequently try to eat every last one. Who do you think you are, Five Guys? Trying to tell me I can’t handle these fries? I’ll show you. And, it never fails – I always end up unbuttoning my JNCOs and just sitting there grumbling like a sick cat. I’ll contemplate whether or not I should try to relieve some of the pressure in my stomach by ramming my fist down my throat and forcing myself to puke. Pretty sure that’s how eating disorders get started, but I can’t be liable for my own actions when those fries are pouring out of the bag like that!
There’s also a territorial element to it – like, what if multiple people get fries? Then, we have to divvy up what’s in the bag so that everyone gets an equal amount, but how do we know for sure which fry belongs in which cup? It’s the Serengeti out here – you touch my fries, I’m going to eat you. So, that’s not good for anybody.
Finally, I would mention that the added fries make the bag a little greasier, which may make it more prone to eruption. Do you know how pissed I would be if I made it all the way home, picked up my bag, and the bottom fell out because of fry grease? It’s enough to drive a man to drink. Or, maybe I’m just overly anxious about things that aren’t really that serious. One of those two – not sure. My point here today is that there are a wealth of positive things you can say about Five Guys, but going Oprah on the french fries is not one of them in my book.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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