Ladies and gentlemen, the offseason is here. So, it’s time to start opening up the vault and really digging out some different content ideas. I got into a really good debate with Gorgeous Boyd the other day about who was more handsome in the Super Bowl. It made me think, “y’know, there really ought to be a directory somewhere for coaches handsomeness rankings.”
But, first – we have to define handsome. What does it mean? People are so quick to assume that looks are all that matters, but that simply isn’t the case.
Sure, you do have to look like a decent human being. But, for the most part, #HANDSOME is a lifestyle. It’s a mixture of success, styles, and overall SWAG. Things that are the most important aspects of being a modern man. #HANDSOME means being a champion of men, being a leader, or being able to set a woman’s loins afire with a simple look.
You can look at a #HANDSOME man and immediately feel passion for life. So, it doesn’t have to be sexual or physical. Handsome is one of those things that you know when you see it. So, with that in mind, let’s break down the full 32 in this important statistical category.
NFL Head Coach Handsome Rankings
32. Sean McDermott, Buffalo Bills – I don’t care if he did take the Bills to the playoffs for the first time in what feels like 100 years, McDermott is not handsome. He looks like Ron Howard went on a cocaine bender in the desert. I feel like every time you look at Sean McDermott, you age 20 years.
31. Vance Joseph, Denver Broncos – His team put on a 5-11 performance. Coincidentally, he has a 5-11 type of handsome record, too.
30. Frank Reich, Indianapolis Colts – The guy has real potential, but something about him just looks goofy.
29. Doug Marrone, Jacksonville Jaguars – Probably the most successful coach to be ranked in the bottom five, but something about Marrone just makes me think he probably smells like creamed corn.
28. Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins – You can’t be handsome if you look just like your brother but lost a lot more.
27. Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans – Major butt chin.
26. Matt Nagy, Chicago Bears – Nagy’s stubble makes him look a little rough around the edges, but the man has potential if he can find success as the Bears new coach.
25. Jon Gruden, Oakland Raiders – I can’t call anyone handsome who resembles Chucky.
24. Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals – Lewis would be much more handsome if everything about him didn’t scream, “I’ve been mentally and emotionally beat up from coaching the Bengals for 15 years.”
23. Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers – He’s got the success part down, but McCarthy is far too round to rank much higher on this list. He looks like a Weeble.
22. Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs – Reid could probably stand to lose a few pounds, but that mustache definitely counts for something.
21. Dirk Koetter, Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Maybe if the Bucs didn’t underwhelm so much, Koetter would be able to overcome the “let’s sit down and do your taxes” look.
20. Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys – Too much bug-eyed creep face for Garrett to be much higher than this.
19. Steve Wilks, Arizona Cardinals – Wilks just has that no-nonsense kind of moxie.
18. Anthony Lynn, Los Angeles Chargers – After the Chargers surprised in 2017, Lynn’s swag rating is definitely on the rise.
17. Pat Shurmur, New York Giants – There’s an old air of class about Pat Shurmur. That earns him points where his lack of experience as a head coach hinders him.
16. Todd Bowles, New York Jets – Bowles has done an admirable job with the Jets, and looks like he could pull of a slick three piece.
15. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota Vikings – He’s tough as nails and gets results. If not for the eye patch, his ranking is probably better.
14. Hue Jackson, Cleveland Browns – This may be controversial, but Jackson has a nice smolder going for him despite being an 0-16 coach.
13. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints – If he didn’t wear a visor all the time, maybe he’s higher. But, you can’t deny his genius.
12. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers – Tomlin seems a bit too casual, but all in all, he oozes swag.
11. Matt Patricia, Detroit Lions – Now, that guy could change a tire and put food on the table.
10. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots – Sense of style is the only thing keeping Belichick out of the elite range. But, you can’t deny the aura of success.
9. Adam Gase, Miami Dolphins – If the Dolphins actually won, Gase would be much higher. Maybe take off the ball cap every once in a while.
8. Mike Vrabel, Tennessee Titans – Completely unproven as a coach, but a real champion of men, and is already the most handsome coach in Titans history.
7. Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers – Something about he risk-it-all nature of Riverboat Ron just screams handsome.
6. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens – There’s something a little down-home about Harbaugh, but he still brings the heat with the hair game.
5. Dan Quinn, Atlanta Falcons – This one’s simple. If you look like Stone Cold Steve Austin, you’re automatically top five in the handsome rankings.
4. Kyle Shanahan, San Francisco 49ers – The young gunslinger turned around the 49ers. Maybe some of Jimmy G’s handsome is rubbing off on him?
3. Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks – Super Bowl champ with an incredibly laid back nature. Pete Carroll is like if The Dude and James Bond had a lovechild.
2. Doug Pederson, Philadelphia Eagles – That Lombardi Trophy adds a ton of handsome to Pederson’s resume. But, that flowing silver hair doesn’t hurt.
1. Sean McVay, Los Angeles Rams – There’s no question that McVay is the gold standard when it comes to #HANDSOME. He’s got championship swag, and the ladies love him.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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