We all love a more realistic product, right? I mean, whether we’re reading a book, watching a movie, or playing a video game, the more realistic it is, the more immersive the experience is. And, folks – that just helps us break off from the real world. We can suspend our disbelief a little easier, and it disconnects us. I certainly can’t speak for everyone in the entire world. But, what I can say is that I, myself, have spent an inordinate amount of time wondering whether or not the characters in Super Mario World have dicks and butts and stuff or not. Thanks to a recent snapped photograph of Luigi, we may have finally gotten our answer.
Just last year, in the promotional run-up to the delightful Super Mario Odyssey, an image was released revealing the exact shape and location of Mario’s pert nipples. This raised a whole host of questions about the physiology of humanoids within the Mushroom Kingdom, some of which were answered by the unveiling of an official Mario comic from the late ‘80s, which confirmed with finality that, yep, Mario has a penis. Nintendo, probably sort of exhausted but mostly unfazed by all this shit, just continued steadily at their work.
Now, in the run-up to the new title Mario Tennis Aces, they have released some screens of the characters in their new athleisure get-ups, and the breathable mesh tennis shorts reveal conclusively that Luigi, too, has a dick. Did Nintendo intentionally design this? It appears so. Previous character models featured decidedly unforthcoming, smoothed-over groin regions, but not Aces Luigi, whose oblong bulge appears to suggest that in this age of graphical high fidelity, we must acknowledge the presence of the character’s dick.
I’m glad we’re here, folks. I don’t know how we got here, or what we’re really doing here. But, I’m glad we’re having this conversation….about this:
Just so we’re all on the same page.
The internet itself has really gone to war for this one, doing some of the best digging I’ve ever seen it do. I mean, what would I ever do to appease my anxiety about whether Mario characters have dicks or not without the internet detectives? It takes a keen eye, really. One far more perceptive than my own.
I look at that photo and think, “holy shit – who hit a tennis ball hard enough to break a fucking racket?!!?” It must’ve been Bowser, that bitch. Also, I look at this photo and think, “man, good for the Mario characters – they’ve been a staple of Americana for so long. They’ve worked really hard to get here. I’m happy they can just kick back, relax, play some tennis and show the world their nipples.”
So, I definitely appreciate the Internet pointing this out to me. But, if pointing out Luigi’s pecker wasn’t enough, they’ve done a great job pinning down the exact size of it, too:
The screenshot up top is still available, however, and still absolutely suggests a 3.7-inch (or so) penis. Could there be a coverup at work? Will they modify the model in light of this sensation? Find out what happened to Luigi’s dick when Mario Tennis Aces arrives June 22.
Look at that beautiful blend of information presentation and marketing. “Here’s Luigi’s penis – will it stick around? Tune in June 22!”
And, there you have it, folks. The information we all wanted to begin with, the reason you clicked the link to read this article. Luigi has a mediocre penis. Just like the rest of us. They really are the blue collar relatable hero plumbers we all thought they were, and they have the cocks to prove it.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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