Hershey’s Gold hit stores earlier this year…..actually, I don’t know that. I don’t know when this stuff hit shelves, and I’m not going to pretend to do real journalism here today. That’s not what this is about.
No, this is a story about one man’s downfall at the hands of this enticing caramelized creme concoction.
First of all, it should be made illegal…because it’s like crack. It’s addictive, and now every time I see it in a store, I pick up a bar. I can’t stop myself. Hershey’s has figured out a way to recode my DNA with their sweet and salty combination of caramel, peanuts, and pretzel.
It has changed me.
Those that know me well know that I’m not a big sweets guy to begin with. I get an occasional sweet tooth, but I can kill that with a single doughnut and move on with my life.
That’s not the case with Hershey’s Gold. It consumes me – eating a bar is like having an out-of-body experience. This, of course, leads me to assume that this supposed candy is actually some sort of hallucinogenic drug. It’s a legal way to sell acid, shrooms, or meth.
Or, it’s something entirely different. My friends won’t talk to me anymore because all I talk about is Hershey’s Gold. My girlfriend won’t be seen with me because I’ve tacked on a lot of weight, and I also shout at people in stores when they try to buy a bar. Something takes over me and I want all of the Hershey’s Gold for myself.
I’ve also spent my entire retirement fund on these treats over the last several months. Also, I can’t stop listening to “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars.
I would strongly discourage the purchase of Hershey’s Gold because it is delicious, and maybe even the greatest treat on the planet Earth. But, if you’re like me, you won’t be able to stop yourself. Soon, you’ll be offering to suck dick on a street corner for 79 cents so you can buy a bar just to hold you over until the next day.
If you’re into that sort of thing, then well I guess Hershey’s Gold is for you. But, if the thought of behaving in such a manner makes you a tad apprehensive of who you’re becoming, then you should stay away at all costs.
PS. What’s the difference between cream and creme? Furthermore, kreme?
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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