Big win for the spider monkey community today. Apparently, one got loose and raised some hell in a Home Depot parking lot. Let’s hit the highlights!
Marilyn Howard said she was in the break area outside the store when she heard co-workers yelling about a monkey in the parking lot. She thought it was a joke until she saw the monkey, with its leash on, walking toward her.
Howard said she grabbed the leash and the monkey climbed onto her back and bit her twice.
Okay, let’s just stop here for a second. Just take a moment to soak in this scene.
You’re at the Home Depot…working…next thing you know people are YELLING about a monkey in the parking lot. You survey the situation and are confronted by a fucking monkey walking towards you.
That has to be one of those surreal life moments. Like, you’re looking around trying to determine if this is even real.
I’m trying to imagine what my response would be to look up at my day job and see a monkey comin’ at me chompin’ his jaws ready to bite into my neck.
This brings up an excellent point of journalism – is this monkey a secret vampire?
Howard said the monkey got off her and she was able to grab the leash and walk the monkey to the entrance of the store. She said when the door to the store opened, it startled the monkey and it bit her on the arm and hand.
She said the monkey also scratched her on the face.
Rough fight, but shout out to Marilyn for stepping up and trying to make sure the monkey didn’t run away and get into some monkey shenanigans or get hurt. I’d like to think I’d take a couple of monkey bites and scratches to make sure the little guy got out of this situation okay.
Tina Ballard, the monkey’s owner, said she had left the monkey in her truck but it somehow managed to get out.
UH YEAH BECAUSE IT’S A MONKEY! Monkeys are notorious for being able to get out of jams like this. They’re smart – this guy probably just rolled down the window and he’s off to the races, chewing bubble gum and kicking ass an what have you. He’s out jonesin’ for a fight, just looking for some ass to kick.
Howard refused treatment.
No charges have been filed and no other information is available.
This is the most egregious part of this story to me! You get bit and scratched repeatedly by a monkey and you refuse treatment? How tough are you, Marilyn?!?! Or, maybe a better question is are you immune to monkey disease?
Pretty sure that’s how the plague started. Some dude was too tough back in the day and was like, “nah, I’m good. I don’t need to go treat these rat bites.” Next thing you know, thousands of people are dead.
If I work at that Home Depot, I’m damn sure keeping an eye on Marilyn for the next few weeks.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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