Welcome to 2018, folks. Apparently, you can now have a bionic penis put on you if you happen to find yourself in need of a penis. Technology. The future is now. All of those cliches we throw around here on this website. But, just beware – because apparently there are some consequences of having a fake rod put on you and it doesn’t really sound like anyone knows what causes ’em…
A man who was born without a penis has spent five days in a coma when he collapsed a week after having sex for the first time since getting a bionic penis.
Andrew Wardle, 45, underwent an intensive 10-hour operation to fit the £50,000 bionic penis which he has described as ‘ridiculously big’.
The caterer, from Greater Manchester, said he and his girlfriend Fedra Fabian are delighted with the results of his major surgery at London’s University Hospital. However, she found him collapsed on the floor and took him to hospital where he was unconscious for five days.
The full story is at the link above, but man – it reads like it was written by AI or something. I don’t fully understand what happened here, but we’re just going to examine the overarching themes.
First of all, if you were born without a penis, that makes you a woman!
HEYO – just wanted to appeal to all of our conservative readers out there. I know my fellow libtards are going to be pinging me about that one, but it was just too topical to resist. Hope that one ends up on r/forwardsfromgrandma.
Does he have to call it ‘ridiculously big’ though? And how big is ridiculously big??? Is the standard porn hog considered ridiculously big? Or, are we talking….like….sittin’ on a hickory stump? We wouldn’t have these questions if he didn’t find a way to mention how ridiculously big it is in conversation.
Now, the question has become – do you risk the five day coma for a big pecker?
I don’t think so – I think lugging a Pringles can around in the front of my pants sounds like a lot more work than it’s worth. I wear tight jeans. Who wants to be fidgeting with their cod all day? What happens when you do squats at the gym?
If it were socially acceptable to just go everywhere in the nude, maybe I think about it. Maybe if it could just swing freely in the wind, I’d feel differently. But, I’m perfectly happy to ride my human penis as is.
That sounded weird…
Now that he has undergone surgery, he says he is excited for the future with Fedra, 28, including having children. He had to walk around with an erection for 10 days and had to wait six weeks before having sex but Andrew – who uses a button in his groin to inflate the organ – told The Sun his life is now ‘back on track’. Speaking about ‘losing his virginity’, Andrew said: ‘It’s fantastic.’
Yeah, I imagine! This is probably what it’s like when a blind person can see for the first time – except in this case, there’s a lot more fluid. But, I imagine you’re excited about anything once you wake up from a five day coma.
I will say….I hope walking around with an erection for 10 straight days is something I never have to experience. That sounds like a major inconvenience. Plus, if it’s “ridiculously big,” you know it’s getting in the way – probably knocking cups off the counter…probably going to close the fridge door on it…it’s going to block a little bit of the TV screen if you sit down…stuff like that.
I do hope it sounds like one of those blood pressure pumps whenever you push the button. Then, it just sounds like you’re blowing up a balloon.
This article has gotten to a weird place.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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