WWE’s Royal Rumble 2019 emanated from that big baseball field in the desert, baby! Chase Field, Phoenix, Arizona. One of the biggest shows of the year – how about we don’t waste time? LFG!
Kickoff Show
*Chad Gable & Bobby Roode def. Scott Dawson & Rezar – I’m good with it…I don’t hate Gable & Roode together, and this was an easy way to do something different and get all three teams a presence on the show. Rating: 5/10. Good way to get the Raw Tag Team Championship on the show.
*United States Championship: Shinsuke Nakamura def. Rusev – Why is Lana wearing a Christmas outfit for this one? I don’t know, but that was pretty much the standard of what a good PPV-quality mid-card title match should be. A lot of fun – Nakamura pulls the pad off of the turnbuckle, Lana jumps up on the apron and swings her heels around yelling “HE’S CHEATING.” Nakamura gets in Lana’s face when Rusev rushes the ropes, but Nakamura moves and he sends Lana to the arena floor. Nakamura hits his Kinshasa to the back of Rusev’s head and gets the win. New champ! Rating: 6.5/10. Pretty fun stuff.
*Cruiserweight Championship: Buddy Murphy def. Kalisto, Akira Tozawa, and Hideo Itami – Man, this one was WILD. Great display of the talent on 205 Live, and some excellent fast-paced Cruiserweight action. I don’t know what Murphy’s finisher is called, but he gets the win after hitting Itami with it. This is definitely one of those fun bouts you should go out of your way to check out. Rating: 7/10.
Royal Rumble 2019
*SmackDown Women’s Championship: Asuka def. Becky Lynch – Two of the best in the world kicking off the Royal Rumble. Loved Lynch working the arm to set up the arm bar early. Some nice submission teases and near-falls. Asuka hooks some sort of brutal neckbreaker from the apron onto the arena floor. Both women are able to answer the 10-count. Lynch hits an awesome Beck-sploder suplex from the top rope. Sweet exchange as both women trade signature submissions – Asuka hooks the arm bar, Lynch hooks the Asuka Lock. Asuka makes Lynch tap with some sort of ridiculous submission. Cool – how’s that for analysis? Rating: 7/10. Awesome contest.
*Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Shane McMahon and The Miz def. The Bar – Any chance I get to enjoy some good ol’ Shane McMahon rabbit punches, I’m going to take it. I wasn’t looking forward to this one, but it was actually rather enjoyable….especially when Cesaro spun McMahon around for approximately five straight minutes. I thought for sure someone was going to puke. McMahon got the shit kicked out of him for the bulk of the match. The Miz shoves Cesaro in the way of a Brogue Kick and then hits Sheamus with a Skullcrushing Finale. McMahon hits the shooting star press on Cesaro and gets the win. Wut. Rating: 6/10.
*Raw Women’s Championship: Ronda Rousey def. Sasha Banks – I’m just not into this one, guys – I would’ve been perfectly fine with Banks getting squashed and us moving on to the next bout. But, hey – it was a surprisingly physical contest. Just saw the outcome coming from a mile away. It’s in the upper echelon of Rousey’s WWE matches nonetheless. Thank u, next. Rating: 6.5/10.
*Women’s Royal Rumble: Becky Lynch eliminates Charlotte Flair – Lacey Evans and Natalya start off the Rumble after Evans cut a promo about being the only lady in WWE. Mandy Rose is out third and goes right after Natalya. Nice spot when Corey Graves announces a “fantastic display” of Evans’ athleticism as she eats it on a missed moonsault attempt. Liv Morgan is out and eliminated right away. We get our first surprise of the Rumble in Xia Lee at #11. Charlotte Flair hits the ring at #13 and starts workin’ anything that moves. Somewhere in here, The Iconics and Xia Lee are eliminated.
Naomi hits the ring, eliminates Mandy Rose, and then pulls the Kofi escape route. She tightrope walks the barricade and leaps to the stairs. Rose comes up from behind her and pulls her off the stairs, eliminating her in the process. Pretty fun moment. Nice surprise as Candice LeRae hits the ring. Weird moment as Alicia Fox and Maria fight over….Fox’s….hat?? Like….Maria keeps stomping it for some reason, but it isn’t doing any damage.
The Riott Squad accompanies Ruby Riott to the ring and they wreak havoc. Big pop for Rhea Ripley – I yelled loud enough to wake the dead. Hornswoggle shows up – yep, you read that correctly. He runs Zelina Vega out from under the ring and into the Rumble, where Ripley promptly throws her out. Alexa Bliss makes her return to a thunderous ovation. Bayley hits the ring, eliminates Riott and Ripley, and suddenly, we have some real heavy hitters left in the ring.
Lana comes out, still selling the ankle injury from earlier. She can’t make it to the ring before Nia Jax comes out at #29. Carmella comes out at #30, then we see Becky Lynch make her way to the ring to plead with Fit Finlay of all people to take Lana’s spot. Finlay obliges and suddenly Lynch is in the Rumble!
Our final four is Bayley, Flair, Jax, and Lynch. Bayley is tossed nearly immediately. Flair gets Jax out on the apron, where Lynch sneaks up from behind and pulls Jax’s feet out from under her. She falls to the floor, eliminated. We’re down to Flair and Lynch. Jax pushes Lynch off the stairs, and Lynch apparently injures her knee. She eventually gets in, yelling “fight me,” at Flair. They go at it for a while, and just when it looks like Lynch’s leg is going to give out, she flips Flair over the top rope. Holy shit – that was one hell of a Royal Rumble. Going to be hard to top that one. Rating: 8.5/10.
*WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan def. A.J. Styles – This storyline has just been beautiful. I love the new Daniel Bryan – I mean, he’s actually right about a lot of things, but that’s neither here nor there. No one should be surprised that this one got off to a tight technical start. Bryan all over Styles early. Old school shit – pickin’ a limb and workin’ it. Styles’ left arm doesn’t stand a chance. This is brilliant mat wrestling, folks. It’s a flat out war of attrition, a chess match if you will…but honestly – feeling like it’s going on a bit too long. This was not a good spot for a match like this, as the crowd is largely sleeping. Erick Rowan….yes, you read that….Erick Rowan comes out and helps Bryan get the win. What even is this? Rating: 7/10.
*Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar def. Finn Balor – Welp. here we go. Balor kicks the match off with a flurry of offense – surprised by that. But, it’s short-lived as Lesnar catches him for suplex #1. Suplex #2 on the arena floor. Here we go. Balor rams Lesnar, gut first, into the announce table. Love the psychology of this – playing off of Lesnar’s diverticulitis. Lesnar’s selling it well too – still suplexing the shit out of Balor, but pausing after every one to hold his stomach. Good stuff so far. Balor does three splashes over the top rope to the outside in a row. He gets Lesnar in the ring, nails the Coup de Grace, but on the pin attempt, Lesnar kicks out into the kimura lock. Balor taps. Better than I thought it’d be. Rating: 7/10.
*Men’s Royal Rumble: – Main event time. Elias is #1, and ho.ly.shit. Jeff Jarrett is #2! We’re gettin’ the surprises goin’ early. Elias smashes a guitar over Double J and tosses him out. Shinsuke Nakamura is out at #3 as we settle into the match. We get a nice surprise with Johnny Gargano at #6. Jinder Mahal hits the ring and is immediately eliminated by Gargano. Curt Hawkins hits the ring and runs out – he’s hiding under the ring now. Seth Rollins is out next and here we go – with Samoa Joe, Nakamura, and Gargano in the ring, there’s some big time players.
No Way Jose comes out at the halfway mark, and is eliminated immediately by Samoa Joe. Drew McIntyre comes out at #16 and fucks up the conga line on the way in. McIntyre eliminates Kingston and Woods – he’s tossin’ urbody out. We’re churnin’ through guys left and right. Lashley comes out at #26, is immediately eliminated, and decides to put Rollins through a table. Braun Strowman is out and tossin’ people out. R-Truth hits the entrance, but Nia Jax attacks him and enters the Rumble – Fit Finlay didn’t clear it, though, so I imagine it’s not official. This is a total clusterfuck. I’m starting to feel like I should’ve changed the channel after Double J.
Your final four is Andrade, Dolph Ziggler, Strowman, and Rollins – tag me if you saw that one coming. Rollins eliminates Strowman, and I’m ready to go to fucking bed. That was exhausting, and not very good. Rating: 5/10.
Overall: 6/10. The women’s Rumble should’ve closed it.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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