Ladies and gentlemen, some somber news to report this morning. The bachelorettes are laying siege to the Music City. Yes, Nashville has become known as the bachelorette party capital of the United States of America. But, now it looks like all the fun, games, and penis hats were just a Trojan horse.
The bachelorettes are not here to take part. The bachelorettes are here to take over.
Courtesy of the man, the myth, the legend, Josh Breslow at WKRN:
A 30-year-old woman told Metro officers she threw a barstool at a bartender on Broadway Monday morning as part of a dare by her bachelorette party, a police report states.
Officers responded around 12:45 a.m. to Tequila Cowboy for a report of a woman throwing a bar stool inside and breaking a bottle of vodka.
Well, listen – I’m not justifying this AT ALL. But, I think rule #1 of the Tequila Cowboy is “keep your head on a swivel.”
But, you have to respect the honesty here. What the fuck could possibly possess a woman to do something so stupid and aggressive?!?! Ah, someone dared me to!
This is like my buddies and I in high school, except instead of daring each other to light our hair on fire, it’s daring someone to commit property damage and threaten the safety of the other patrons.
Can we at least find out what she won for the dare? Like, did her friend pick up the next round of tequila shots? Or, was it something even greater? Something that might actually warrant doing something like this? “Throw this barstool, and I will give you a brand new Corvette.”
Or, was it just a dare for no damn reason (it probably was – I’m a journalist. I have a sense for these things)?
When police got to the bar, they said security had detained the woman who was visibly intoxicated and admitted to taking three shots of whiskey.
The woman was being loud and irate toward people while being detained, investigators said.
THREE SHOTS OF WHISKEY!?!? I can have three shots of whiskey and perform open heart surgery. Fucked up thing is I’m not even a doctor. I have no medical experience. My God, am I an alcoholic? This was supposed to be a funny article, but now I’m having a moment with myself.
As a city, I think it’s fair to be alarmed, though. This is like finding the first zombie in the apocalypse. It doesn’t seem like a big deal now – maybe even an isolated incident. But, before you know it, boom – it’s fuckin’ Walking Dead out here and we’re eating turtles on the side of the road.
There’s real cause for concern here, Nashville. At first, the bachelorettes were harmless. Now, we’re clearly mixed up in a hostile takeover.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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