This one’s right up there with Ridiculously Fabricated Bowl Names as one of my favorite annual pieces on SoBros Network. Sure, it’s probably highly offensive – but I just can’t help myself. I live in the South, and you hear crazy names around here all the time. I feel like I should be responsible here and preface this article by saying there’s no ill intent behind this post – I’m simply projecting characters made up in my mind from my wild imagination on to a name. But, if you’re not into that, you probably should check out now.
If you’re still here, let’s get rolling.
PREVIOUS WINNERS
2014 – Crockett Gilmore
2016 – Vernon Hargreaves III
2017 – Bucky Hodges
2018 – Josey Jewell
THE 10 MOST SOUTHERN NAMES IN THE 2018 NFL DRAFT
10. Clayton Thorson, QB Northwestern – What a great, versatile Southern name. ‘Clayton Thorson’ could be the stud athlete. He could be the small town sheriff. Hell, he could even be the city slickin’ lawyer. Just an all around great Southern name.
9. Benny Snell, RB Kentucky – Y’all seen Ozark yet? I can’t hear the last name ‘Snell’ without thinking about Ozark. Sorry, Benny – but you’re now a drug farmer in Missouri.
8. Dakota Allen, LB Texas Tech – Plain and simple, if your first name is Dallas or Dakota, you’re on this list.
7. Rodney Anderson, RB Oklahoma – Is Rodney Anderson a country singer? I could’ve sworn there was a country singer named Rodney Anderson. The rule is, “if you share a name with a country singer, you’re automatically on the list.” But, I can’t verify. There is no possible way to verify this.
6. Porter Gustin, EDGE USC – Big fan of the first name ‘Porter’ – just sounds like an old fashioned name from the wild wild west, doesn’t it?
5. Johnnie Dixon, WR Ohio State – Doesn’t Johnnie Dixon just sound like that old school unfuckwithable Southern type? Like, you mess around too much, you’re going to catch the fists of Johnnie Dixon!
4. Felton Davis III, WR Michigan State – Such an elitist prick that Felton Davis III sure sounds like. He’s our annual reminder that if you have numbers behind your name, your chances of being high on this list increase.
3. Dawson Knox, TE Ole Miss – Dawson Knox is the Southern heartthrob that everyone wants to be or be with. It’s a good sturdy name, but also sounds like he’d be willing to hold the door for you.
2. Justice Hansen, QB Arkansas State – We had a couple of Justices in this year’s draft class, but Hansen sounds way better than Hill in the context of this list. Also, of course Justice Hansen is a sheriff.
1.Jesper Horsted, WR Princeton – We’ve had Jaspers on the list before, but man – “Jesper” just takes the cake. Paired with a last name like ‘Hosted,’ this Princeton wide receiver sounds like he just came off the frontier lands. He’s a pioneer looking to settle down back where he come from – Mississippi. He is our unequivocal ‘Southern Name’ Champion for 2019.
See y’all next year. Happy trails ’til we meet again.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.