This may come across as a hot take, but I’m going to say it anyway. Sometimes, you just gotta put shit out into the world just to get it off your chest. You can live a better healthier life without that kind of energy constantly present in your life. And, today, I’m here to admit it – I think having a flower girl at a wedding is incredibly cliché.
There – it’s out in the open. Can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube now. But, I firmly believe it. There’s no quicker way to make me roll my eyes at a wedding than having a little girl come out, looking like a deer in headlights, nervously throwing flower petals all over the place. That’s so unoriginal – get with the times, people.
What? Are we all supposed to think it’s SO cute when literally every wedding ever held has done it? I’m sorry, but after 2,000 years of this shit, I’m ready to say the flower girl has had her run. We’ve seen it a million times.
It’s time for the ‘flower man’ to get his time to shine. If that sounds absurd to you, just watch this clip and get back to me once you clean up the puddle under your seat.
Truly love the idea of a Flower Man because I’m strongly against children in weddings and he was smooth with it lol pic.twitter.com/34grLVxGmQ
— Money Makin' AshMo (@AshMoLash5) September 30, 2020
Now see – this is much more my speed. This a nice modern twist to an antiquated practice. My man here is lookin’ smooth as butter, and he’s sellin’ out for it. There are flower petals -AND- panties droppin’ left and right. Might even need to check on the bride if we’re being real here. This is a celebration to be proud of.
I don’t know if that song is the actual song that was playing at the wedding or if it was just a TikTok addition, but again, I’m here for it. It’s unique and individual and sensual. Let’s embrace the sexual nature of matrimony. Don’t be all shy and prudish about it. Get it in the open – people fuckin’. Let’s celebrate clappin’ cheeks on days such as this. It’s only human. The era of the flower man is here – it’s time to retire children in weddings (and at weddings for that matter) altogether.
Also, as a general rule, it’s ideal if your flower man has cakes like this dude.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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