Some time in the fall of 1982, a picky seven-year-old and his dad were off for a little father-son time after his elementary school basketball game. My dad and I were tied at the hip as he was my best friend when I was younger and my biggest supporter when I developed an interest in sports. This is not one of those warm and fuzzy stories about a boy and his father, but rather one of how that boy nearly got his ass whooped by his father on that fateful fall day over, off all things, a McRib sandwich.
The McRib, which is making its limited time return to the McDonald’s menu, debuted in 1981 to a lukewarm reception at best. It remained on the menu until it was pulled in 1985 but returned for a limited time in 1989 when its popularity began to rise. I have honestly never tried a McRib – not even one bite. The sandwich is just something that never really interested me which can be considered odd since I’m from Memphis and am a lover of pork. Now, I do believe there is about as much pork in the McRib as there is chicken in Chicken McNuggets, but I would absolutely devour a 20-piece.
On that fall day, my dad took me to my basketball game of which I remember nothing – so let’s just say I scored 16 points with 8 rebounds and 5 assists. Don’t mind my humble brag, but I was a 2nd grade baller. The 1982 2nd grade boys’ basketball team from Sky View Academy in Memphis made a deep playoff run, all thanks to my precise jump shot and pinpoint accurate passing. Now that I’m feeling good about myself, let me get back to the almost ass whooping that still haunts my dreams to this day.
After any one of my games, it was custom to grab some food for the ride home. Often, we would visit the Golden Arches as any seven-year-old would want and I can still vividly remember the actual location we went to. Dad decides we’ll hit up the drive-thru even though there is a lengthy line. I ask for my normal order of a Happy Meal with a hamburger with ketchup only, French fries and a Dr. Pepper as we approach the speaker.
On this day, there is an employee near the menu board with a tray of food in their hand and this was the person responsible for my ass cheeks tightening every time I hear “The McRib is back.” The lady asks if we would like to try a sample of the McRib in order to drive interest in the struggling sandwich. My dad quickly responds with an exuberant “yes I would.” She kindly asked if I wanted one and I answered with a resounding no.
My father quickly corrects me and tells the employee that I would like one. Confused as if I was not heard, I added a little volume to my next no. My dad gave me a look that I thought only mothers could give and one more time, let the lady know that I was wrong and did indeed want a sample. I made it completely clear that I did indeed not want a sample and opened the water works. At this point, it seemed as if my dad was ready to bury his only child when he shot daggers straight through my soul. He politely told me to shut up and took the second sample that he still claimed I wanted.
The only thing I can think of to rationalize my behavior that day was that my dad was going to get me the McRib instead of my Happy Meal and I wanted no part of that. My dad orders our food and he promptly turned into a parking spot after receiving it. Now remember that this was the early 80’s and beating your child wasn’t as frowned upon as it is today. Even at this early age, I knew I had blown my dad’s blood pressure to an unhealthy level and was trying to mentally prepare myself for what was about to come.
Mi padre turned to me and said that if I ever went against him like that again I would wish I had never been born. This incident was not the last time my actions would garner that response from him. I was informed how lucky I was that he did not want his food to get cold or that he would take me into the bathroom and beat my cheeks red. He sat there quiet but angrily eating his two samples before taking on a Big Mac. I sat there eating my tear-soaked hamburger as I tried to stop hyperventilating and catch my breath.
I learned a very valuable lesson that day that I hope kids today can learn without having the fear of god set in them and that lesson is “Do not come between a man and his McRib.”
Steven McCash is the Music Columnist for SoBros Network. He is the pioneer of New Music Friday, highlighting each week’s new releases in the world of music, in addition to the occasional live show review. Follow on Twitter: @MC_Cash75
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