Tank the 401k Gambling Picks: 9/30/21

If you ever wanted some insight into how sportsbooks make money, just read Tank the 401k...

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stan’s Picks

No way to put it other than I got skull fucked last week. 1-4. First losing week of the year. Clemson under was soooo in the money, then double OT happened. Lessons learned. We put our big boy pants back on and take what’s our’s this week. Here we go!

Miami -5.5 – We start the week hot with a Thursday win.
Maryland +3 – Scared money don’t make money. Tight butts.
Notre Dame +1.5 – My favorite pick, so probably fade me.
Jags/Bengals under 46 – For the record, if I lose this game, I’ve figured out gambling
Titans -7 – This is a win/win play. They blow the Jets out, great – we win. They don’t cover, I get to talk shit to Stoney and the boys that they are on the same level as the Jets. Win/win. Let’s get back in the win column.

Steven’s Picks

How is it possible that one person is this bad at picking football lines? There was a radio show when I was growing up called Leonard’s Losers where Leonard would pick the losers of games each week thanks to his “little smart pill machine.” I’m beginning to feel like Leonard with the exception that he was trying to pick the loser of the game. I’ll say it again, if you want to make money, just bet the opposite of what I pick.

Cleveland -2
Tampa Bay -7
Memphis -11
App St. -10
Cincinnati -1.5

Stoney’s Picks

If you ever wanted some insight into how sportsbooks make money, just read Tank the 401k… ’cause man, they got all our fuckin’ money last week. I’m just not going to be confident in any of my picks anymore. I’m going to be the sad guy at the bar who’s sitting alone at the end of the bar just pounding Budweiser, looking like he’s on the verge of tears, but he keeps gambling because he needs it like he needs to breathe. I feel like we got kinda dark there, so let me bring the positive energy back. I had some Cracker Barrel for dinner last night – country fried steak – and it was delightful. There – we got it all back. LFG.

South Carolina -6.5 – I don’t think South Carolina is very good this season, but come on….6.5 points at home vs. a Sun Belt opponent that is 2-2? Listen – all due respect to Troy…no offense, of course. But, this is a game that talent alone should have the Cocks pulling away in the 4th.
UConn @ Vanderbilt, UNDER 51.5 – Take a fucking kidney out of my body. That’s how confident I am with this one.
Washington Football Team -1.5 – I know people are going to say “…but what about Buffalo?” with this pick, but hear me out. I don’t give a shit about the WFT’s defense at all. It sucked then, and it could suck again on Sunday. I get it – we’re all surprised by that. But, this one’s about the Falcons defense and Terry McLaurin. Ain’t nobody stoppin’ him, and they ain’t stopping this Football Team offense on Sunday.
Cardinals +4.5 – I think the Cardinals are the 2nd best team in the NFL. They have the pieces on defense to frustrate Matthew Stafford, and honestly, I think they’ll catch the Rams in a bit of a letdown spot. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if they were to win this one outright.
Broncos -1 – My love affair with the 2021 Broncos continues. This one is part because I think the Broncos are playing well after what amounts to a three-game preseason, and part that I don’t actually think the Ravens are that good. Big statement win for Denver here.

SEASON STATS

Stan last week: (1-4)
Stan’s 2021 W-L: (11-8-1) – 57.8%
Steven last week: (1-4)
Steven’s 2021 W-L: (5-12-3) – 29.4%
Stoney last week: (2-3)
Stoney’s 2021 W-L: (8-12) – 40%
SoBros last week: (4-11) – 26.6%
SoBros 2021 W-L: (24-32-4) – 42.8%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley