There is high drama in the world of chess this week. Magnus Carlsen, who is widely considered among the best chess players in the world, withdrew from the Sinquefield Cup, a tournament being held at the Saint Louis Chess Club, after falling victim to one of the greatest upsets in the game’s history, losing to Hans Niemann. The most shocking part of this whole thing is that rumors are swirling that Carlsen withdrawing implies that he believe Niemann cheated. I’d suggest catching up on this wild story courtesy of the Riverfront Times before I weigh in with my commentary. But, the manner in which some internet detectives are insinuating that Niemann could have possibly cheated absolutely blew me away. They seem to think that this kid had a prostate massager in and was using it to vibrate signals to a chess engine that would basically auto-play for him. I don’t know how on Earth the operations of such a thing would work, but it’s amazing. It’s also worth pointing out that Niemann made several mistakes throughout the game, and some folks are pointing to that as evidence that he did not cheat.
Who knew that the stakes were so high in chess? I mean, I watched The Queen’s Gambit. I know how pressure-laden and intense those games can be. I know that it takes a prodigal skill set to make it big in the chess world. I know that the most successful chess players practically came out the womb playing chess and seem to have an innate gift of the intellect. But, I never knew that people would be willing to slide some anal beads up that tooter to get ahead (allegedly, and unsubstantiated-ly, of course…). Regardless, I’m not here to break this thing down from a journalistic standpoint. I have no sources in chess, so any reporting I could possibly do would be inaccurate. I would never do such a thing as a journalist. So, what I’m going to do here today is provide a thought exercise of sorts. I want to really explore the logistics of how this would work.
I love a good way to creatively cheat every now and then, but you have to have at least some sort of an honor code. One of my favorite pastimes is finding new and creative ways to cheat at board games. Why? Because they’re meaningless. They don’t matter, and it’s very entertaining to me to reveal at the end of the game that the results are totally illegitimate. C’mon, folks – have a sense of humor. I can remember times when Brandon and I would see how many cards we could discard at the same time in Uno before people would catch on. It was highly amusing. But, in an official competition? No way. You have to uphold the integrity of the game. So, if these allegations are true, I firmly denounce them. I just want to clear that up first and foremost.
Nonetheless, how would cheating with an anal bead work? How does your butthole know how to send the signal? Would the person with an anal bead in have so much control over their rectal muscles that they could flex in a way that is similar to a guitar player using his fingers to hold notes? Is that how it works? You spell out F9BishopC65Queen using your butthole, the machine reads it, tells you what move to counter with and sends some Morse Code to your butthole telling you where to move? That’s the only way I can make sense of it. If this is indeed how this man was cheating, it’s gotta be one of the top 10 most impressive feats in human history. To be able to pull all of this rectal moving off without a single facial tell? That’s a masterpiece. If this is possible, I’m going to need the Skillshare course on how to do it.
Now, I’m going to figure out a way to cheat at Uno with an anal bead. I don’t know how, so I have a feeling it’s just going to end up as me playing Uno with an anal bead in me.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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