I have done some redneck shit in my day. You can’t grow up in Gladeville, Tennessee in the 1990s and not do some redneck shit. There just wasn’t much to do back then. We’d play cops and robbers in the woods before we went down to the creek searching for crawdads. When I got older, we saved our Sobe bottles so that we could throw them at road signs from the bed of our friend’s truck as it whizzed by at 40 MPH. You know…totally normal country roads stuff. Sometimes, we had trash that couldn’t go to the dump, so we just burned it in the back yard. No big deal. I’m not judging anyone for doing a little redneck shit every once in awhile. But, what I can’t fathom for the life of me is why one would dump 500 pounds of cooked pasta in the woods.
It seems highly unlikely, unless you were recently walking near the river basin in Old Bridge, New Jersey, where hundreds of pounds of cooked pasta were dumped in the area last month. Their origins remain a mystery.
This sounds like the lamest ass start to a Scooby-Doo episode that I’ve ever heard in my life. Or, an even better joke…could you imagine that spooky Unsolved Mysteries theme, and then they come in with “500 pounds of spaghetti…just…appearing…in the woods…” That’s what I’m going with it.
Shitty attempts at zingers aside, this is one of those stories that poses way more questions than answers. Who has 500 pounds of cooked pasta to just dump somewhere? Why did you cook so much of it? How do you overestimate your guest list by 500 pounds of pasta?!?! Why would you then choose the woods as the logical place to dump it all? I’m sure the guys at the dump have seen some questionable shit – they’re not going to judge you.
*EDIT* Wait – my wife has just informed me that they don’t actually have dumps in New Jersey. Also, that reminds me that I’ve spent some time around Old Bridge, New Jersey, and now I’m kind of bummed that I wasn’t there to see 500 pounds of cooked pasta in the woods.
Anyway, I would think this would be relatively easy to track down. Go through grocery store cameras and find the person carrying 30 carts full of spaghetti through the checkout line. Look through traffic cams and find the guy loading up a UHaul with spaghetti. I don’t know. It cannot be that easy to hide this much pasta. I hope the truth comes out one day, but until then, this mystery will just have to remain a mystery.
*Unsolved Mysteries theme plays*
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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