Whoever said dreams don’t come true is the biggest fucking liar on this planet. Actually, I think people mostly say that they do come true. I might have that phrase twisted. Nonetheless, what I’m getting at here is that I think one of my dreams is coming true here in the United States of America. There is big time food news to drop. Well…it’s not really news..it’s more like “maybe this could happen because these two companies are hemorrhaging money and need to save their business,” I think. What I’m getting at here is that there is at least a certain timeline within Thanos’ universe where you could hypothetically walk into a building and have your choice of Applebee’s or IHOP, two American staples of the casual culinary scene.
The parent company of IHOP and Applebee’s has announced it has begun opening dual-branded locations, combining back-of-the house cooking areas and blending front-of-the-house dining areas, though with discrete entrances.
Alright, so the story goes onto say that they might work it so that it’s IHOP for breakfast and Applebee’s for dinner, but that is a horrible idea if you ask me. I want both menus, and I want that bitch to be open 24/7 like an IHOP. I want to be able to walk into that place at any given moment and order my bourbon street steak with a side of pancakes.
They cited “changing tastes” as one of the reasons for this in addition to the whole money thing, and it just grinds my dang gears. These young people today…they want their $20 burgers and fancy “farm to table” restaurants. They can’t appreciate a good meal of microwaved food like us hard-nosed geriatric millennials can. Growing up in the old days, it was a treat to get Applebee’s on Friday night. Where I’m from, we didn’t even have a post office, I don’t think. It was one of those small towns where they named someone’s dog the mayor. That kind of living makes you appreciate something like an Applebee’s or IHOP, where they genuinely care, the service is never bad, you never have to wait for anything or get up and get your own silverware (that one especially never happens), and the meal is always hot and fresh. You’ll never find IHOP just throwing things they got in the kitchen together and just calling it a Thanksgiving sandwich or anything like that. These young people today should appreciate that instead of driving these precious gemstones of Americana out of business.
Nothing saddens me more than seeing Applebee’s closing. They closed 46 in 2023, and here in Nashville, we’re down to just one over in the Berry Hill area. I love it so much, but that is just too far for me to commute from my home in Mount Juliet. Any drive that is longer than 10 minutes for an Applebee’s is too much. Sorry…for as much as I love Applebee’s, nothing can overcome my disdain for Nashville area traffic and my cheap ass preserving the mileage on my 2006 Nissan Altima as best as I can. Yet somehow, Applebee’s keeps ponying up to pay for Sunday Night Football advertising. I don’t get that one – it’s like some cartel boss who really loves Applebee’s decided to chip in and try to save the company with his own monies. That’s not reporting (even though I’m a journalist). That’s just speculation on my part.
I know for damn sure IHOP has to be hurting because there is never anyone in my IHOP. There’s one about two miles away from my house and it’s my favorite spot to get away around here. I know I can get some peace and quiet at peak dinner time on a Friday night at IHOP. Sure, my food might be cold, and I might feel like I’m sitting in purgatory, but I’ll take that over a crowd any day of the week. Crowds suck. Besides, I can take my laptop and notebook in and watch game tape in peace if I need a change of scenery from my office but don’t want to fool with going downtown (subscribe to Stacking The Inbox to get all my NFL Draft coverage). Hey – maybe WeWork should just buy out all the IHOPs.
But, maybe…just maybe…combining forces here is just the ticket to keeping these institutions of our society intact and dare I say maybe even thriving. This is good news for those of us who honor tradition. Gene Applebee himself would be proud.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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