Oh, hello there. Poppa Bear here. I hope you’re having a stellar Thanksgiving. By now, I’m probably in a food coma from entirely too much of my mother’s mac n’ cheese (Hi Mom! Thanks for reading these and such. You hide your disappointment in my sense of humor well).
With the holiday season arriving, it’s always good to give thanks and appreciate the good things in your life. Personally, I’m thankful for Lane Kiffin having Twitter, Mike Leach doing interviews, Ohio State getting blown out by Iowa, and the forward pass.
Today, we’re going to have a look at what every SEC team is thankful for. If you’d like, you can read Big Natural’s article on what every NFL team is thankful for. Let’s be honest, you need something to read right before you hit that afternoon nap anyway.
Alabama – Nick Saban. This has been the answer since 2007 and will continue until his heart explodes on the sidelines from too many Oatmeal Cream Pies. Saban saved the Tide from mediocrity, and made most of the fan base tough to tolerate. Coincidentally, every other team will be thankful when he’s done coaching.
Arkansas – Auburn. Why are the Razorbacks thankful for Auburn? Simple: if they drive Malzahn out as head coach, Arkansas will be waiting with open arms and a fresh contract. I don’t have to tell you how much of an upgrade that is for the Hogs.
Auburn – Kerryon Johnson. When Kamryn Pettway was injured last month, the Auburn offense took a major hit. That is, until Kerryon Johnson developed into a tractor with legs. He has the Tigers’ ground game running on all cylinders heading into the Iron Bowl.
Florida – Death threat hoaxes. Yeah, Jim McElwain lied about death threats, which allowed Florida to fire him with cause and save all kinds of money. McElwain isn’t a terrible coach, but he just wasn’t the right fit for Florida, so it’s best to move on. I’m sure the sharks around Florida are celebrating the most.
Georgia – The East is terrible. The Bulldogs have a solid team, but they didn’t exactly have a rough road to Atlanta. Their only loss was to Auburn from the West. It doesn’t hurt to be in control of your own destiny this close to the end of the season (Also, I used “control your own destiny” because my Mom hates that phrase).
Kentucky – Basketball season. This will always be the answer until Kentucky football wins the SEC. So, this will always be the answer. Still, it’s been a solid year for the Wildcats, so they should also be thankful for Mark Stoops. We’ll call it a tie.
LSU – Google Translate. Listen, you hired Coach O, you have to take the consequences of me making fun of him. Honestly, the Tigers have had a solid first season under Orgeron, as long as you forget Troy exists out there. I’m sure his pregame speeches are incredible, and luckily you have smart phones to translate for you.
Mississippi – It could be worse. That’s right Ole Miss, just be thankful for five wins and that Hugh Freeze hasn’t caused more damage. Maybe for Christmas, I’ll put you down for something nice (Spoiler alert: it’ll be a burner phone. That will always be funny).
Mississippi State – Dan Mullen. There are a lot of things for the Bulldogs to be thankful for: Nick Fitzgerald, home field advantage, the cowbell hasn’t been banned in all forms. Dan Mullen, however, is the big win here. Be thankful for him Bulldogs, you might miss him next year when he’s somewhere else.
Missouri – Drew Lock. I almost put “low expectations” but I can’t do that to the Tigers. I have a soft spot for them, and they’ve been on a roll following the play of Drew Lock. The kid has a cannon, and has finally found a groove. He’s got the Tigers bowling, so he gets an extra scoop of mashed potatoes this year.
South Carolina – Will Muschamp. On a list of things I thought I’d never write, that was pretty high up there. I like to think I’m fair, so I’ll give credit where it’s due. Muschamp has the Gamecocks trending up. Eight wins so far this season is a major success, and bodes well for the future.
Tennessee – Grumors. That’s right Vol Nation, bask in the Grumors. Is Gruden coming to Knoxville? Honestly, I have no idea. But the intense study of his every move gives you something to do other than watch football.
Texas A&M – Florida State sucks. Why is this good news? Because the Aggies have apparently targeted Jimbo Fisher to replace Kevin Sumlin. Will he make the jump? It doesn’t look likely, but you have a better chance of luring a coach from a bad team.
Vanderbilt – Baseball season. Sure, college baseball season is several months away, but you kids at Vanderbilt should be spending that time studying anyway. Football season is a loss, so maybe hit the books until the first pitch. You might not get drafted in the NFL, but at least you’ll have a degree from Vanderbilt.
Have a happy Thanksgiving folks! Poppa Bear loves you.
Poppa Bear is the Lead SEC Analyst for the SoBros Network, and serves as our resident expert on the human anatomy, fixin’ stuff, and tomatoes. Follow on Twitter:@SoBroPoppaBear
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