Forgotten Treasures of Americana: The Midnight Snack

On the latest edition of Forgotten Treasures of Americana, Stoney Keeley relives the midnight snack.

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In our never ending quest to provide all of our readers with relatable, ‘slice of life’ style content, we here at the SoBros Network feel the time to weigh in on social commentary has officially come. It’s once again time for me, Big Natural, to open up the leather-bound parchment pages of the annals of history. Put on your plush robe, light your pipe, start a fire, and get ready for deep contemplation. This is the as-often-as-I-remember-to-write-it column: Forgotten Treasures of Americana. Today, we are going to be reliving the concept of the midnight snack.

As human beings, I think we care about our health way too much. That wasn’t always the case, as I can distinctly remember glorifying the concept of the midnight snack way back when I was a kid in the 1990s. I can even remember commercials about it – someone rummaging through the fridge in the middle of the night like a raccoon and a trash can. Things used to be better. We used to be happier as a peoples. Is it coincidence that the peak midnight snack era lines up with those glory days? I say no.

Over time, we learned of the awful effects eating in the middle of the night has on our digestive system…how it doesn’t really help us sleep…how it throws off our diet and makes it harder for us to lose weight, etc. But, some things are more important than science and digestive health. Why should we sacrifice happiness for health? The two don’t go hand in hand, as best as I can estimate – some of the happiest people I know are great big pieces of physical shit. Likewise, some of the healthiest I know are miserable pricks. Let’s let the mental health professionals help us with our happiness. Let’s listen to our gut about…well…our guts. I don’t even know what real science is anymore. Is there a way to verify these theories about the ill-advised practice of eating at midnight? If only there was a method we could use to scientifically study this other than just journals and scholarly publishings, which, to my understanding, are just peoples opinions.

So, the point I’m getting at here is that we should normalize gorging ourselves in the middle of the night for no good damn reason again. Why? Because we were happier. And it was fun that this practice had a name – you could just be all cute when you got caught stuffing Oreos down your gullet and say, “oh, just having a midnight snack tehehehehe.” You can’t do that without being judged in 2021. Everyone wants to judge. But, I would also mention that this would probably help the economy because so many people would shell out money for Pepto Bismol. So, it’s the patriotic thing to do too.

And, in case you were wondering, that monstrosity in the featured image is a loco moco I made last week. The traditional Hawaiian version is a hamburger, on a bed of rice, topped with a fried egg and brown gravy. This one was a patty made of diced ham, served with peas, carrots, corn, red pepper, a fried egg, bacon, and green onions on top. Then, it was smothered in a coconut milk/Nutella/mushroom broth gravy. Hell yeah, man. I used that photo because it’s the perfect spirit of the midnight snack – just putting a bunch of shit together to comfort that tummy tum tum.

Editor’s note: I am not a professional health expert, so please do not take anything in this post seriously. It’s just a fucking joke. I don’t want any of you suing my ass because you ate Spam in the middle of the night and your heart blew up.

FORGOTTEN TREASURES OF AMERICANA ARCHIVES

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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