In our never ending quest to provide all of our readers with relatable, ‘slice of life’ style content, we here at the SoBros Network feel the time to weigh in on social commentary has officially come. It’s once again time for me, Big Natural, to open up the leather-bound parchment pages of the annals of history. Put on your plush robe, light your pipe, start a fire, and get ready for deep contemplation. This is the as-often-as-I-remember-to-write-it column: Forgotten Treasures of Americana. Today, we are going to be reliving the fashion icon that is JNCO.
You want to know what a fucking idiot I am? I am just now learning that JNCO stands for ‘judge none choose one,’ and it does NOT simply mean “jean company.” What a dipshit – anyway, let’s hear it for the absolute king of late 1990s fashion for a kid that grew up on pro wrestling and transitioned to nu-metal as a teenager. JNCO was the gold standard if you were trying to show how edgy and rebellious you were back in my day. Now, though I asked for JNCOs at every birthday party and Christmas, I never got a real pair. That’s right – JNCOs are my great one that got away. I don’t know if my parents realized what a circus that would’ve been and weren’t on board with it or what. The closest I came were a few pairs of the knockoff JNCOs that were big and baggy, but not quite enough-material-to-make-a-hot-air-balloon.
How can one adequately describe JNCO to someone who was born after the turn of the century? They’re like regular jeans that just get exponentially bigger and bigger the longer they get. And, we’re not just talking the boot cut variety that is apparently also out of style these days. We’re talking bell bottoms on steroids. We’re talking stage curtains hanging from your belt. If you were to jump out of an airplane a mile high in the sky, you could simply stand straight up and float down to the ground and land safely. That’s the kind of baggy we are talking about here.
We laugh about how absurd they look in today’s fashion, but JNCO really was a fashion icon back in the day. All of the coolest metalhead kids and skateboarding kids at school rocked the JNCOs away from school (we had a dress code during school, lame). They were everywhere, and would you believe it? JNCO made over $180M in sales in 1998. So, yeah – in all likelihood, the 30-something in your life probably wore something JNCO at some point in their life, or at least was familiar with the brand.
I did manage to score some sick JNCO t-shirts, and a JNCO sweatshirt that I practically lived in from 2001 to 2004. Maybe at 35 years old, having learned that they still make JNCOs, I should treat myself with a real status symbol and finally buy myself that pair. Whaddya say, internet? Who’s with me? Let’s head on down to Gadzooks. Oh my bad, Gadzooks really did die after the 90s…guess we’ll have to go to JNCO’s website.
FORGOTTEN TREASURES OF AMERICANA ARCHIVES
- The 2004 Quiznos Commercial
- 3D Doritos
- 3OH!3
- AIM
- American Gladiators
- The Basilisk
- The Bermuda Triangle
- Braided Belts
- Casey Kasem
- Citizen’s Arrest
- Gadzooks
- Hammocks In Centennial Park
- Hasbro WWF Action Figures
- Homework
- Mama’s Family
- Micro Machines
- Muppet Treasure Island
- Playing Outside
- Pogs
- Quicksand
- Slamball
- SNICK
- Surge
- That Marilyn Manson rumor…
- The Midnight Snack
- The Super Soaker 50
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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