In our never ending quest to provide all of our readers with relatable, ‘slice of life’ style content, we here at the SoBros Network feel the time to weigh in on social commentary has officially come. It’s once again time for me, Big Natural, to open up the leather-bound parchment pages of the annals of history. Put on your plush robe, light your pipe, start a fire, and get ready for deep contemplation. This is the as-often-as-I-remember-to-write-it column: Forgotten Treasures of Americana. Today, we are going to be looking back at the incredible 1990s sensation, The Incredible Crash Dummies.
The Incredible Crash Dummies recently came up in conversation with our good friend RighteousJesse, and I couldn’t believe the serendipitous timing of it. I was just beginning to formulate ideas for September’s installment of Forgotten Treasures of Americana, and on my to-do list was ‘The Incredible Crash Dummies,’ but Jesse brought up something interesting to me. I remember these being called ‘Crash Test Dummies,’ but apparently that’s not true. I don’t know if I’m just misremembering things from my childhood, or if this is just the latest example of the Mandela Effect, but it completely put my brain in a pretzel. I felt like my mind had lied to me for my entire life. I can’t tell you how many times throughout the course of my 36 years on this planet that I’ve referred to these things as ‘Crash Test Dummies.’ So, if you’re like me, let this paragraph serve as a bit of a PSA.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s rewind to what The Incredible Crash Dummies actually were. For the first half of the 1990s, Tyco released a line of action figures and vehicles that, upon the push of a button, would eject body parts in all different directions. Imagine the delight of a young child pushing a button and a head popping off – nothing haunting about that at all! They were inspired by the old crash test dummies from the actual seat belt safety ads (maybe that’s why I always thought these were just called ‘Crash Test Dummies’), looked just like ’em, and were absolutely awesome.
I got that sedan as a birthday or Christmas present as a kid, and let me tell you guys, that thing was ripe for HOURS of fun. Just think about it – like the dudes in this video, you can just ram that thing into stuff and never grow bored of it. I don’t know what it says about my generation that we grew up just banging shit into the floor, or if kids these days are still interested in smashing shit, but I used to literally hit my old action figures with baseball bats just to see them explode. My parents were right – I really wish I hadn’t done that. But, I can’t quite explain it. There’s just something satisfying about watching something blow up (in a safe way, of course).
In a weird way, I think The Incredible Crash Dummies introduced me to the basic laws of physics when I was five years old. Understanding how matter reacts to force is something I was learning before I was even in school thanks to these people. Because of that, I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to say that the folks behind these toys provided a great service to parents of 90s kids. Just think – all a parent had to do to get their child to learn science was put one of these bad boys in their child’s hand. Amazing work. Bravo.
Except for….WTF? They named the baby ‘Skid the Kid?’ That’s kind of morbid. Anyway, you can still find some of this stuff on eBay. But, I’ll tell you – it’s going to cost a pretty penny. Also, apparently there was a Game Boy and Super Nintendo game based off of the Incredible Crash Dummies!?! Boy, did I miss out on that. Like seemingly every other piece of nostalgia from my childhood, these things have become collectors items.
FORGOTTEN TREASURES OF AMERICANA ARCHIVES
- The 2004 Quiznos Commercial
- 3D Doritos
- 3OH!3
- AIM
- American Gladiators
- The Basilisk
- The Bermuda Triangle
- Braided Belts
- The California Raisins
- Casey Kasem
- Citizen’s Arrest
- Cursive Handwriting
- Gadzooks
- Hammocks In Centennial Park
- Hasbro WWF Action Figures
- Homework
- JNCO
- Mama’s Family
- Micro Machines
- The Midnight Snack
- Muppet Treasure Island
- Old Wendy’s
- Playing Outside
- Pogs
- Quicksand
- Slamball
- SNICK
- The Super Soaker 50
- Surge
- That Marilyn Manson rumor…
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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